Teaching Compassion on the Death of a Grandparent

By Yasmeen Qadri1

Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi rajioon
We Belong to Allah and to Him We Shall Return

One of the most challenging things to teach children is how to deal with the loss of a loved one. Yet it is an important aspect of their development that warrants attention; research shows that nine out of ten children will experience the loss of a family member or close friend.

Although death is inevitable, teaching about it is often avoided until a loss happens. Judy Stevens Long, in an article titled “Explaining Death to Children Begins With Loving Presence,” lists the following six strategies for explaining death to children: 1) talk to each child separately, 2) check for understanding, 3) supply information, 4) invite questions, 5) reduce anxiety, and 6) help children remember.2

Children with a strong foundation of compassion will have a greater capacity for coping with loss. Compassion is described as the willingness to relieve the suffering of another person. It is an emotional response of empathy that prompts a desire to comfort and help with kindness and love. Albert Schweitzer rightly said, “The purpose of human life is to serve, and to show compassion and the will to help others.” This character trait must be valued and practiced in education, both in teachers and students.3

Dadajaan’s academy

Experiencing Loss
My husband Najeeb (Dadajaan [Grandfather]) and I (Dadijaan [Grandmother]) were blessed with seven grandchildren from my three wonderful children. Before the pandemic, Najeeb and I had begun an educational program called Dadajaan’s Academy. We provided character training for our grandchildren, focusing on respect, generosity, trustworthiness, empathy, and collaboration—some of the essential values for emotional well-being. I, as an educator who worked with young children in the past and with preservice teachers in the present, was happy to see the positive results of Dadajaan’s Academy. Najeeb guided the children with love and care; most importantly, he modeled all the character traits he taught the children.

The success of Dadajaan’s Academy was put to the test when Allah took Najeeb back to Him. Najeeb was the pillar of our family, and I saw his dreams of leaving a lasting legacy collapse. His death was an extreme shock for the adults, but it was even more devastating for the children. In the depth of my grief, I fell back on the two most important things in my life: faith and family.

Our faith reminds us that death is inevitable and we must accept it. In the Qur’an, Allah says (here translated from the Arabic): “When their specified time arrives, they cannot delay it for a single hour, nor can they bring it forward” (Qur’an, 16:61). Knowing that I couldn’t do anything to delay or stop Najeeb’s passing was a comfort on some level; it had to happen as it did. There was nothing anyone could do to prevent it.

Rania giving a tight hug to her grandma.

Yet I was struggling to survive without Najeeb—my companion and supporter. Everything I did and everywhere I went were reminders of him and my loss. I couldn’t escape his absence. In other moments, I found comfort in my grandchildren, who are Najeeb’s and my legacy, even though they were also saddened.

Coping and Compassion
Character is not built in a crisis, but it is demonstrated there. After Najeeb’s death, I was amazed to see how my grandchildren put into practice the lessons they learned from their grandfather at Dadajaan’s Academy. My older two granddaughters, Huda (13) and Khadijah (12), took charge of helping me; they spent nights with me, cried with me, held my hand, and shared wonderful memories of their grandfather. Bilal, Yusuf, Hiba, and Hana, the younger grandchildren, would give me warm hugs and kisses, and made sure I had a box of tissues nearby so I could wipe away my tears. I witnessed compassion at its maximum while I was in the depth of my grief. I had lost a loving and caring husband without any warning. Despite the shock, I found strength from the rays of hope that my grandchildren provided. My youngest granddaughter, Rania, only 15 months old, would look at me and ask: “Dadijaan kying?” She even ran to get me a tissue! She wiped my tears, patted my back with her tiny hands, and whispered, “It’s okay.” Then she said, “Tight hug,” and gave me one. It was amazing! I felt extremely grateful in that moment.

For two months after Najeeb’s passing, we all experienced an outpouring of love from the community, who had also experienced the kindness of my husband. The children in our extended family came, along with their parents, and our character education was put to the test! Some parents might believe that young children cannot understand death and its impact on the living. I, however, felt that Najeeb’s death could be a teachable moment.

The Lessons of Character
In the midst of my sadness, I came up with a plan. When my daughter and niece asked me how they could support me during my grief, I responded: “Help me show faith in action and the importance of family.” I encouraged the children to read or recite the Qur’an, with prizes for their performances. I asked the older girls to give talks on topics such as Dadajaan’s legacy, character, generosity, and patience. The children made sympathy cards or wrote poetry or stories about Dadajaan. The older ones helped clean up after meals and served tea and treats to keep their grandfather’s hospitality alive. It was amazing to see how compassion, empathy, and kindness had a ripple effect on the other children in the extended family.

I have laid out five lessons that I believe are important for parents. These were taken from Dadajaan’s Academy, and they have helped our grandchildren demonstrate true compassion.

  1. Model respect and kindness. Parents must show respect and kindness toward their own parents in order to see such behavior in their children.
  2. Reinforce the good and reprimand the bad. Let children know that their treatment of others matters. Remind them that every act of kindness is charity.
  3. Show compassion to your children. Parents need to model these values not only with their parents but also with their children.
  4. Teach conflict management and friendship skills. Parents should help children understand and cope with anger by resolving their own differences and conflicts, teach self-regulation and how to make amends, and strengthen their children’s friendships with their peers.
  5. Provide opportunities to practice compassion. Whether it is through small acts, like kindness toward animals, or big acts, such as feeding the homeless and donating to the needy, parents should provide their children opportunities to show compassion in everyday life.4

Dadajaan’s Legacy

 

“Developing compassion in elementary and middle school-aged children is akin to developing muscle strength. The more you use your muscles, the stronger they get. Children who participate in programs that teach kindness, respect, empathy, and compassion and who have families that reinforce those strengths at home develop the muscles they need to become civically engaged adolescents and adults.”—Marilyn Mitchell5

Grandparents, parents, teachers, faith leaders, and the entire community have an obligation to teach children character and morals. The best method of accomplishing this goal is through modeling these behaviors yourself.

Najeeb & Yasmeen by a picture of the Tajmahal, a famous monument of love.

Najeeb celebrating his last Ramadan with his grandkids.

We owe a lot to my husband, Najeeb, for always encouraging, modeling, and expecting these high standards. As Leo Buscaglia once said, “Too often, we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.”

Thank you, Najeeb. Grandfathers like you leave a legacy that will impact future generations, making the world a better place. May you be rewarded for your good deeds with the highest place in paradise. Ameen.

Notes:

  1. Please see the author’s first article, titled “Dadajaan’s Academy: Where Character Counts!” in Childhood Explorer. https://www.childhoodexplorer.org/dadajaan-academy
  2. https://www.rootsofaction.com/explaining-death-to-children/
  3. https://www.betterup.com/blog/compassion-vs-empathy
  4. For information about compassion in the Qur’an and Islam, please see, “Two Hundred Verses about Compassionate Living in the Quran,” by Zia Shah. https://themuslimtimes.info/2013/10/29/three-hundred-verses-about-compassionate-living-in-the-quran/
  5. https://www.rootsofaction.com/how-to-instill-compassion-in-children/